


Memories by Memorex (2008)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Community: 30kisses, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, POV First Person, Present Tense, Surprises, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-30
Updated: 2008-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:22:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7088833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How far will Sanzo go to bring Hakkai a bit of comfort at a lonely time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories by Memorex (2008)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#14 - 'radio-cassette recorder'

The round barely misses Gojyo's head and lodges in the wall of the common room we are all sitting in. Sanzo still has his revolver pointed at the hanyou as he growls irately, "Next time, you perverted kappa, you're going to get a bullet lodged in your ass!" And with that, the priest retreats to his room with a slam of his door, leaving the three of us to once again contemplate his departure. Such scenes are becoming more and more commonplace among our little group. Either that, or I'm just beginning to pay more attention to them.

"Honestly, Gojyo," I say with a soft sigh as I begin clearing away Sanzo's and my plates. "Why do you insist on riling him up like that? Is there really anything to be accomplished by making Sanzo so angry?" I meet my friend's crimson eyes and offer him a small smile, but wait expectantly for his answer. Goku is still fairly preoccupied with his meal to add much to the conversation, and seems fairly oblivious to what has just happened. At least he's letting on as such.

"Come on, 'Kai," he begins. "We both know that Mr. High-and-Mighty deserves everything I dish out to him, the cold-hearted bastard. You'd think that just once, he could show a little emotion beyond yelling at us and threatening to kill us. I mean hell, it does get old after a while, you know?"

"Actually, Gojyo, I don't. And I think your assessment isn't entirely accurate, either."

" _What_?!," he exclaims in disbelief. "You actually believe –" Gojyo cuts himself off and gives me a smirk. "Ah, you're just screwing with me now, 'Kai. Trying to get back at me; give me a dose of my own medicine. Nice try, man." Giving me a wink, he grabs his beer off the table and heads toward the sofa to watch television. A few moments later, Goku joins him, and I'm left in relative peace to finish cleaning up from the meal. Not that I mind, really. After all, it affords me a bit of time for personal reflection.

Despite what my good friend thinks, I am being sincere when I say that I don't see Sanzo as the cold, emotionless person so many others do. In fact, I know that he isn't. He is careful and guarded with his feelings, but he does have them. I've seen his softer side, even. And I suppose I owe that in part to an inexpensive radio-cassette player I'd picked up just after the start of the new year. I can't help but smile as I hit 'play', the soft sounds of the Chinese National Orchestra filling the tiny kitchenette as I roll up my sleeves and start on the dishes. Come to think of it, it had all started much like this on that night back in late March. Of course, at that time, we'd been between towns and camping, but I'd still set up the radio to listen to while I washed the dishes after the evening meal...

* * *

"Ne, Hakkai," Sanzo said as he walked over to where I was scrubbing a pot, his newspaper tucked under his arm.

"Yes, Sanzo?" I replied with a smile. It was a bit unusual for him to approach me like this. Usually, he and the other two made themselves scarce when I was completing such tasks, lest I coerce them into assisting me.

Now that he'd been acknowledged, Sanzo seemed slightly discomfited by the attention. I wouldn't have described his mannerisms as 'shy' – my friend truly was anything but – though he did seem somewhat hesitant to speak his mind. Finally, he said, "Do you think – I mean, I'd like to borrow your cassette player for a while."

I believe I must have arched a brow in surprise at the request – not that it mattered, really. Sanzo seemed exceptionally interested in a smudge of newsprint on his fingertips and wasn't really looking at me. I suppose that was his attempt at 'looking casual'. I think I chuckled a bit, dried my hands off, and handed it to him without another word. Honestly, I couldn't see any harm in it, and Sanzo really didn't ask me for much.

It was now his turn to look momentarily surprised, but he took it from me with a non-committal grunt, which in Sanzo-speak roughly translated into a 'thank you', and disappeared back toward the fire.

About half an hour had passed by the time I had everything cleaned up and put away, and when I made my way toward the fire, I saw that no one was out there. Poking my head into the tent, I saw Goku was sleeping and Gojyo was engrossed in some sort of pornographic magazine, but again, no sign of Sanzo. Returning to the fire, I stood there for several moments in silent contemplation, and eventually, my ears picked up the _faintest_ sounds of music coming from the woods. Quietly, I moved off in the direction of the sound, and when I got closer, I swear my jaw hit the floor at what I saw. Sanzo was standing in a bit of a clearing, his eyes were closed, and from the way he was swaying back and forth, it looked as though he was...trying to dance. For several moments, I watched him, a soft smile on my face. He did have a natural fluidity and grace, but he didn't seem to be able to master the steps, and he looked somewhat awkward. Still, I didn't have the heart to let him know I was there. For one thing, it would have embarrassed him greatly – he obviously didn't want an audience. Realizing that he was alright and that this was something not meant for my eyes, I just as silently made my way back to the campsite.

Towards the end of April, the four of us found ourselves in a fairly large town, and decided to do a bit of shopping. As we entered a bookstore, I was browsing through the various books on the discount rack, and I noticed a rather thick volume that was titled, Let's Dance – The Complete Guide. Smiling softly to myself, I thought of Sanzo. Every night since that first night, he'd asked to borrow the radio-cassette player. It was always in the evenings after Gojyo and Goku were occupied with other things and wouldn't notice him disappearing for a while. Even when we were in town, I would hear him quietly slip out the window of his room and head to the outskirts of the village. I didn't watch him every night, but I always knew what he was doing. He was certainly improving, but he still hadn't mastered the steps. In fact, as I flipped through the pages of the book I'd picked up, I wondered if he even knew them at all, or if he was making it up as he went. Unfortunately, as I set it back on the shelf, Sanzo happened to be walking by.

"What the hell do we need that book for?" he demanded overly-defensively once he'd scanned the title. His violet eyes were narrowed slightly and he stared at me accusingly.

I was a bit taken aback by his outburst. "Sanzo, I was just looking at it. Just as I'd looked at the recipe book beside it, and the book on unexplained phenomena beside that one."

I saw his gaze flick down the rack, as though he was trying to confirm for himself whether or not I was telling the truth, and had I not been looking at him, I'd have missed the slight flush that coloured his cheeks. "Whatever," he said with a snort. "I need a smoke; I'll be outside."

At the time, I didn't think much more about the incident. Sanzo would often bite out a brusque retort like that, and we all just knew better than to question him about it. It wasn't like he'd tell us what he was really thinking anyway. However, that night as I passed by his room, I saw the very same volume sitting on the corner of his desk. It wasn't as if I could read the title from the doorway, but since I'd been looking at the book that afternoon, it wasn't hard for me to recognize it. Casting a discrete glance around, I pulled Sanzo's door shut and carried on with what I'd been doing. I knew that if Goku or Gojyo happened to notice it, they'd have been merciless in their teasing. And while I could be just as much of a smartass as my travelling companions, there were just some things they were better off not knowing.

June was a tough month for me. All the large villages we went to were celebrating the Lotus Festival. One would think that with all the music and dancing, feasting and revelry, I would have found some way to enjoy myself. However, the event simply filled me with negative memories. After all, the Lotus Festival had been the very first thing I'd taken Kanan to after we'd married, and seeing all the happy couples left me feeling somewhat depressed and quite bitter. I was having an even tougher time keeping my mood from affecting the other members of my group, and on several occasions, I'd found myself having to bite my tongue to keep some acerbic remark from slipping out when one of them would talk about how much fun they were having. One night in particular, I was extremely annoyed because Sanzo had said we'd be staying right downtown, amid all the bustle and excitement of the festival.

Of course, Goku and Gojyo had thought they'd died and gone to heaven upon hearing that news. After dinner, the two of them had scurried off to enjoy themselves, and I'd sequestered myself in my room. I didn't see the sense in being a wet blanket and spoiling their fun simply because I had unresolved issues. Staring blankly out the window in my room, I'd turned so far in on myself that I didn't hear the soft knock at my door. I did, however, start when I felt a presence standing behind me, and was quite surprised to see it was Sanzo. "What –"

The blond simply held up a finger, silently commanding me to be quiet, and I complied with the unspoken request. A difficult endeavour, rest assured, considering I was brimming with countless questions – especially when I saw Sanzo pick up that old cassette player and fiddle around with it in the relative darkness. A moment later, a very familiar melody filled the room, and despite the tinny quality of the device, it was unmistakable. It was one of the most popular festival songs, but beyond that, it was _the_ song Kanan and I had first danced to.

"Sanzo, I –"

This time, he did verbally shush me, and gave me a brief glare for my trouble, only to relax his expression after a few seconds and direct my one hand to his hip, taking my other in his own. When I didn't immediately take the cue and start to move, he arched a brow at me. "Shall I lead, then?" he demanded shortly.

I couldn't help the small smile that graced my features at that, and adjusting my hold slightly, the two of us began to dance to the song. As we moved around the small room, I swore I could smell the lotus blossoms, and for a moment, for one brief, shining moment, everything seemed ok and I was genuinely happy. Far too soon for my liking, the song had ended, and when it did, Sanzo immediately pulled away from me under the guise of going to stop the tape. I half expected him to pull out a cigarette and light it up, but he didn't.

Instead, he turned to me, those beautiful violet eyes open and vulnerable looking. "Damn it all, Hakkai, I was trying not to lose my nerve. All you had to do was shut up for five minutes," he groused crossly, and then he let out a snort of amusement. "Maybe I was hoping you wouldn't so that I wouldn't have to go through with it." He fidgeted a little, and I could tell he wanted to smoke very badly, but he wasn't going to ask.

"Come on," I said. "I can use a drink, and I'm sure you can, too." I led us both back into the common room and brought us each a beer, and I smirked when I saw the wave of relief wash over him as he sat down on the couch and lit a cigarette. I was quiet for a moment, and then I said, "I'm not sure what that was all about, but...thank you?"

Sanzo cracked open his beer and took a healthy drink of it before he gave me a somewhat demure smile. "Look Hakkai, I know I'm not Kanan, and I'm sure there's nothing in this world that will ever replace her, but I thought that maybe for a moment, I could give you a different memory of that dance. Something pleasant. Fuck knows you've got enough bad ones."

I think I gave him a brilliant smile at that. "You did. You're right in that you're not Kanan, but for a moment there, you really did make me happy. I didn't feel so...disjointed from everything." My gaze dropped to my own unopened beer. "Though, I do have a confession to make. I didn't know what you were doing, but I have seen you practicing, and sometimes, I'd even watch you for a few minutes."

It was Sanzo's turn to surprise me. "I know. The first few times, I wasn't sure. Sometimes, I'd just feel a presence but wouldn't see anyone. Once or twice, I think I caught a glimpse of your shadow. But you kept my secret, Hakkai. I never had to tell you to, you just did. It probably doesn't seem like such a big deal to you, but after that, I know now that I can trust you implicitly. I _know_ that you will never betray me." For a moment, he shuttered his expression again, and then he pinked a little and turned earnest eyes to me. "And that...that made me want to do this for you all the more."

"It was the nicest gift anyone has ever given me. And I won't ever forget it," I said in return as I leaned over and gave him the barest brush of lips across his cheek. With a hesitant smile, I shifted back to my corner of the couch lest I make him feel more uncomfortable, and folded my hands in my lap.

A soft, genuine smile lit up the blond's face at that, and as he finished off his beer, he said, "Believe it or not, Hakkai, I'm not really as hard-hearted as I let everyone think I am."

If I remember right, we spent the rest of the night just talking like two old friends, and I have to say, it's one of the nicest memories I have.

* * *

I'm pulled from my musings when I hear a 'click' and then silence. My tape has been turned off. "What are you – oh, Sanzo." I smile when I see the blond standing beside that small cassette recorder, a smirk on his face. "I'm terribly sorry; was I disturbing you? Was the volume too loud?"

He shakes his head. "It was fine, Hakkai. I just wanted to tell you that I need some more smokes and some air, and since I don't trust the two jackasses in the other room to relay the message, I thought I'd tell you in person."

"Oh, I see. Well, thank you. Try not to be gone too long, ne?" I reply softly.

"I hadn't planned on it. Unless, you know, I decide I want to take a walk. To the eastern outskirts of town." He smirks around the cigarette he has between his lips. "Of course, if I'm not back in a timely manner, you're more than welcome to come look for me." He pauses to exhale a lungful of smoke, and for a brief moment, I get another glimpse at those gorgeous, vulnerable eyes as he stands in the open doorway. "If you do, bring your cassette recorder."


End file.
